How the world sees race vs. how I see race 

I wrote this a while back in rage not knowing whether to publish it or not but here I am throwing it all out there for you to read, reblog, comment, like whatever. Enjoy. And stuff.

             So, I recently took the Gallup survey at my school. And one of the questions I had to answer was “What do you consider yourself to be?”. Listed under that were different races. Of course, I chose my race. But then I reread the question: “What do you consider yourself to be?”. I could talk your ear off or write a five page essay about race - not racism - but blatant, flat out race. What if you just didn’t have a racial classification? There was no “white/Caucasian” or “Asian/Asian-American”. What if you were just…you? I constantly get questions about my race: “Why do you act like that?” “Why do you speak like that?” “Why do you like that?”. And unfortunately, it’s not only because of ignorance but it’s also because people seem to overlook the person. They don’t understand that I myself am not a race. I’m also a person…with emotions, feelings, worries and concerns, hopes and dreams. There are things I love, things I hate, people I look up to, people I even look down on in a judgmental way but then again who doesn’t? And why do people think I have to act a certain way because of my race?

Unfortunately, there’s this standard people will hold over you if you’re part of a certain race, sort of like a checklist. And if you don’t fit that list, something’s wrong with you. You’re weird, basically. You’re strange and you don’t belong and people will deliberately go out of their way to make you feel this way but they don’t see the effects. Making someone feel like they don’t belong is probably one of the worst feelings you’ll ever have. But you learn how to cope with this feeling of total exclusion from a young age. It’s the end of the world when someone you thought was your friend doesn’t invite you to a party but somehow you get over this. And you learn those valuable life lessons: “Not everyone is your friend and so on…”. And you feel kind of cheated. You get that “That’s not fair” feeling.

After going down the list of choices, I couldn’t find one that applied to me. All I was thinking about was the checklist of stereotypes that go along with each one of the races listed and how I didn’t apply to any of them. Was I wrong to think of the stereotypes? Was I supposed to check the race that’s printed on my government paperwork?

Race is so unnecessarily important. There’s so much stress placed on it.  About three years ago, I moved from a primarily African-American school to a diverse one. After a while, I made some new friends. And a question that people in my family would ask me a lot was “Do you have any black friends?” And I literally had to think hard. Because when I met my friends all I saw was the person and their beautiful, technicolor personality. Was I supposed to be picking and categorizing my friends by race? I thought people were just…people. I don’t know if moving changed me at all. I mean, I’ve matured. But sometimes my parents will point out “You’re around a lot of white people all the time, so maybe you feel the need to act like that”. I don’t understand that. Act like what, specifically?

I don’t want to deny the fact that there is racism still to this day and fortunately, I can say I’ve never truly experienced it the way that people in this country used to. But I can’t live my life everyday under this hovering cloud of things that society thinks I should be. Why can’t my credentials describe what kind of person I am for me? I’m hard-working, persistent, intelligent, clever, maybe even witty sometimes (I can crack a joke or two). But what I want to know is, why do I have the problem? I don’t follow this list of stereotypes so there must be something wrong with me, right? And I’ve felt that way, for a long time. That I’m-different-and-not-in-a-good-way feeling. And I’ve kept silent about it, but honestly, I’m so tired. But now, this day, I feel like I can like what I like, listen to the kind of music I want, go where I want, live the life I want without carrying these anchors. I would stay up all night and just think “Why was I made differently?” but I wasn’t. I was made fine, just fine. If not fine, incredible. And the day when everyone can see that, the day where everyone can see the person behind the skin tone, I think I’ll be two-hundred percent content.

i really hate this 

i don’t know why i always try to squeeze myself in where i dont fit. i dont know maybe it’s cus i want friends and i thought maybe school would be a nice place to meet people and make friends you know cus it’s school, people your age etc etc. well i hate you all and i hate school. i can’t stand to be around any of you and part of the reason im trying to go college far away from home is because if i see one of you in the same college as me i might loose my mind. if you don’t want me to hang out with you, just say it. if i ask you to come over and you just not reply (even though you have been for the entire conversation) that’s rude. i dont think anyone really comprehends how it feels to be left out. because it sucked when you were 5 and it STILL SUCKS. but i try to ignore it: no they’re not leaving me out, maybe it’s just a bad internet connection or, maybe they’ll get back to me later. no, they are leaving you out. i try and i try to make friends but it literally backfires. all the crap about “omg i love you we need to hang out” is ridiculously transparent. so, i will end this little rant with: i hate you. and i hate you. and you. and you. and you. a lot. and i hope you sit on something sharp and it gets stuck in your anus. and you have to get it removed by a doctor. 

hey when you make plans with me i would like it if you would respond to my 10 text messages. thanks. 

rant on CSI: New York. 

if you’re in your right mind right now, you probably won’t care about what i’m going to say.

but i watched an episode of CSI: New York today only because it had Marlee Matlin in it. she’s like my favorite deaf actress…not that there are many. anyways, she did a good job on the show, and so did the victims (which really don’t play a big role besides dying) but guys come on! this show was just dragging on! and i guess it’s because i watch so much Law and Order: SVU and Criminal Minds which are my top 2 favorite crime shows. i watch some NCIS too but rarely. anyways, the first thing i noticed was the acting - excluding marlee matlin. it just wasn’t good, wasn’t that convincing. i really wanted to be on the edge of my seat but it just wasn’t happening. i really do fall asleep during boring shows/movies. the second thing i noticed was how easy it was to figure out the story and who killed who. it wasn’t a difficult case. and maybe it was just this episode…but who knows. i figured out who the murderer was 20 minutes before the show was over. when i watch SVU or Criminal Minds, i actually have to think to figure out who the killer is because there are so many twists and turns. CSI was just like, someone got killed who happened to be deaf and someone else around the same age was killed. neither of the murders related to each other. both had a separate killer. and they told us that WAYYY before the show ended! it just wasnt what i was expecting. bad acting, bad plot, bad bad bad. i was highly disappointed.

my school is so academically competitive 

everyone ive talked to wants to be a doctor or a biologist. im just here like, wat that’s not fun. i want to be in a band, tour the country, play sold-out shows then come back, film award-winning movies, hilarious & suspenseful, star in them and go premieres. i also want to invent my own computer company and make new electronics. kinda like Apple.
but apparently that’s not good enough. ok kids. you guys have fun sitting in your cubicles while i’m out living it up. no wonder why everyone is stressing. if i hear one more person complain about getting a B im gonna flip. 

why high school sucks 

i should make a video on this subject but im not going to right now because 1. i look a hot mess, 2. im tired and 3. people are sleeping.

the thing that you’re gonna hate most (if u havent got to high school yet) are the people. in my freshman year i loved it. it was pretty cool to me. sophomore year you’ll hate everybody because everybody that was in your little circle in freshman year has screwed you over by now. another thing you’re gonna hate is one being single and two being in a relationship. this is contradictory. when you’re single, suddenly everyone is not. when you’re in a relationship it’s awesome for the first 5 days but then it’s like you dont exist. and break ups suck too. really bad. you’re also gonna hate the cliques and stereotypes. guys. i am black. okay. i know this. this doesnt mean i have to act like a big ghetto snob, it doesnt mean i have to act culturally black. i’ll act white if i feel like it. maybe even asian. i couldnt care LESS what you thought. so what i look different, i dress different, i talk different and i dont listen to your type of music. rap isnt even music. it’s black guy with dreads talking about money and hoes. anyways, the cliques. you’ve got popular kids with school spirit, kids who look good, seniors, annoying freshman, the stupid sophomores who make fun of freshman (you were a freshman a couple months ago), and then the worst: the ghetto people. thanks to them, i get dumb stereotypes like “is your hair real?” or “what kind of rap to you listen?”. yes my hair, no i dont listen to rap. some chick asked me if my parents were ghetto. what kind of question is that? my GOD. then you have your people who criticize you for your choice of religion. okay so im Christian i dont shove it done ur throat do i? so why are you doing that to me?

the people that really make me sick at the judgmental ones. hey, i dont know that person but im gonna pick on them and relentlessly make fun of them everyday. i dont know what they’re going through but you know, who cares? okay. hold on.

1. you do not know what that person is going through already
2. what has that person done to you
3. that person could be freaking crazy
4. why are you messing with that person
5. what is your motif
6. and on and on and on

cant stand school. 

that awkward moment when i see someone i want to be friends with but they think im weird so they ignore me and the number of friends i have decreases asdfghjhksglshlsh 

is everyone like really this shallow? everyone at my school stays in cliques and all those cliques hang out with each other and they dont talk to anyone else and im not in a clique nor am i on some kind of sports team. all of my friends have other friends that they’d rather hang out with and im stuck at home looking at all the picture of them on my newsfeed hanging out n stuff n having fun and asdfghjkl i want thatttt.
i have 1 friend here that i can probably talk to more than anyone else, that’s sad like jeez